Living Without My Mother

I have not blogged here in quite some time. I lost my mother to cancer last month and our entire family have been consumed in the caring of my mother, then her funeral, and then taking care of her home, and her estate.

I have learned so many wonderful lessons during this tough time. I have learned that it would have been SO much harder to have lost my mom had we not been really close. As crazy as that sounds, it is true. Being close to someone is wonderful and it makes the separation of death bearable. I guess it is because there are not regrets. I can honestly say that I have no regrets where my mom is concerned. I know she loved me. She knows I loved and adored her too. I called my mom every single day at least once but generally three or ten times. She and I enjoyed talking on the phone together each morning. She only lived 2 blocks from my home, so in-between all of our phone conversations, I made sure to stop by her home a few times per week, just so she could make sure what I looked like I guess.

I have learned that grieving is not depression. It is just simply grieving. Tears and emotions come, and then they go and I am still here, and all is well. I have a strong belief system in my LDS religion that grounds me and saves me. For this great blessing I again have Mom to thank as she raised me in this wonderful religion.

Grieving does take energy. I have also learned that I need more sleep. I need more nourishing foods. I need to cry it seems each day. Not for a long time, but the tears do flow. Running on my treadmill daily is also therapeutic.

I am so grateful for my family. For a wonderful brother who has been right by my side this whole entire time. He has been ever faithful to me in all respects, in all decisions, in all ways. He is my friend, in every sense of the word. His wife is an amazing person who is my sister. I love her so deeply. I have a niece and four nephews who have made this all bearable too. My dear husband who is my best friend has been by me daily and always there no matter how late the hour to talk to me and listen to my tearful yet happy tales of my Mom. My children have also been beacons of energy and caring friends. When you lose someone as dear as a Mommy you realize how much you need your family around you. My close friends have also been so helpful and caring. My best friend from high school came and stayed with me during the week of Mom's funeral. She lives a long way from me and her love was remarkable. Her support impressive. My local friends are also so dear and caring and their love can not be underestimated in how deeply they have helped me get through this hard time.

Death once faced, is do-able. It seems that prior to actually going through this, that I would break apart or something. I don't want to diminish the intensity of the situation or be disrespectful of my mother's life and legacy. I adored her and I do miss her. It is a great thing though to have faced something so difficult and to be able to still see that life is very good. I have not just vanished into a place that is dark. My mother would want me to be as she would say "practical." Which I don't always tend to be for the record! My mother was a good woman who taught me to respect life, to love the Lord, and to live my life. One thing Mom did for me that I treasure is that she listened to me all the time. She loved my dreams and she would listen for long periods of time to me find joy in hearing about my goals and my life. She would say "Chris I am pleased you are becoming a midwife. It would scare me to death, but I am glad for you."

Because of my mother's teachings I feel a love and frankly a responsibility to live a full life. To really live my life and to move forward and to be happy. Grieving is not being unhappy. It is just grieving. My Bishop said something wonderful to me after my mother died, he said "Grieving is the highest level of love we have for someone." I think he is right.

I miss my mom, that is the hard part. I miss her wonderful smell of fancy perfume. I miss her home that was filled with lovely furniture, gorgeous flower arrangements, and lovely everything....my mother was an amazing decorator! I miss her pretty blue eyes and her lovely hands with long nails. I miss her laugh, her voice, her pretty face and hair. I miss her touching my face and saying "I love you Rosebud." These things choke me up. But, I also have a strong belief system and I am eternally thankful to the Lord, who lived and died for me that I may one day be in Heaven with not just my lovely mother, but all of my family, that I adore so much. My mother was a lady, and it is an honor to be her daughter.

If you have lost a loved one, my heart reaches out to you. The Lord is mindful of us, His love is what makes it all as I say do-able.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.